Tag Archives: It’s Funny!

Punch

I cannot wake up in the mornings.

Well, I mean, obviously I eventually get up in the mornings, else these words would not exist.

But the point is that I have a really, really hard time getting out of bed.  Or opening my eyes.  Or becoming fully conscious quickly.

Apparently, this morning I woke up mumbling something along the lines of:

World, if you don’t give me and Atticus our dreams,  I will punch you in the face.

Watch out, world.

 

I will cut you!

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Filed under Funny Story

Hair

If I had a time machine, I would love to go back five years and meet myself for a cup of tea somewhere.  After some chit-chat about continuum and weather, I would say, “Guess what, Pinto of the Past?”

And then I would say, “I don’t know.  What, Pinto of the Future?

And then I would say, “In 5 years, you’re going to walk into a hair salon and essentially ask them to give you your second grade bangs back.”   And then I would whip out this picture (as if I couldn’t actually remember what my second grade bangs looked like).

Mom...how could you?

And then I would laugh insanely.  Because that would be crazy talk, right?

But here’s the thing.  It’s all true.  The salon.  The bangs.  Well, I didn’t bring in this picture and say, “Give me second grade bangs!” but…after the fact… I realized that that’s pretty much exactly what I did last Wednesday.

But here’s the crazier thing.  It actually looks good!

So, for a brief overview of my hair history, I’ve essentially explored all mix-and-match combos of the following:

* Mid-back length, LONG hair

*Regular long hair

* Shoulder length hair

* Second Grade Bangs

* Ugly, ugly, single big curl bangs

* Swoop bangs

* No bangs

But, if we’re focusing in on only the past decade, I’ve pretty much either looked like this:

Hello! I went to Europe and chopped my hair off because I wanted to be SABRINA and Harrison Ford would LOVE ME! Yay Europe!

Or this:

And just in case you wanted to know, this will forever be my favorite picture of myself ever taken. Forever and ever, amen.

Well, a decade is a long time to have two hair looks so last week I decided it was time for “something new.”  And I didn’t really have an exact idea what that new thing was going to be when I walked into that salon last week.

But, when I walked out, I felt like I had just been so hair rebellious.  That I had declared my hair independence!  I was a HAIR ADULT now!

 

And then I realized...I must have just wanted to be a second grader again.

And don’t we all, at some level?

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Filed under Funny Story, Hobbies and Such, The Oddness Within

Quotable

Do you have a movie you can quote by heart?

I’m not talking about a line here or there.  I’m talking the whole movie.

When I was 8, I could quote the entire Little Mermaid including sound effects and mimicked actions.

“But without my voice, how can I…”

“You’ll have your looks. Your pretty face.  And don’t underestimate the importance off body language. HAH!”

You remember that part right? The part where Ursuala shakes her voluptuous molluscan bod to the sound of soundtrack bongo drums? Yeah, imagine an elbowy toothpick with freckles and bright red hair trying to do the same thing.

Scary.

Anyway, the point is that today I discovered another movie I can entirely quote:  You’ve Got Mail.

From “Ohhh I take my puppy everywhere. La la la la I wouldn’t care” to the final  (kind of disappointing) last line, “Don’t cry, shopgirl.  Don’t cry.”

I’m chalking this up to the fact that, six years ago, I worked with two other people as a 19th Century Photo Glass Plate Restorer and every Wednesday, we’d sit around a laptop and watch You’ve Got Mail as we plied our cleaner dipped q-tip skills on old pictures of dead people.

(No joke. Some were pictures of actually for-real dead people–corpses. All the other people were alive in the pictures…but eventually died I suppose.  As far as I know…::spooky voice::)

Anyway, I lay on a makeshift bed of couch cushions and pillows today, hopped up on sudafed and vitamin C fizzy drinks, and mumbled along through the entire thing.

I just thought you might like to know.  And I’m curious what movies other people know by heart and why.

Well, I’ve read all the blogs and status updates, so all the interesting internet things have been done for the day.  Plus, I need to take more sudafed.

So, as George, the book selling assistant, put it ever so wisely, “This place is a tomb.  I’m going to the nut shop where it’s fun.”

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Filed under Hobbies and Such

How to Have the Worst Interview of your Life

All you have to do is begin this way:

Interviewer: Okay, so this interview is for fill-in-blank internship and we’re excited to have you here today.  We’ll be looking forward to working with the final candidate this summer in Antarctica/Siberian Gulag/Saharan Desert/Some Other Completely Impossible Place for you to Live.   So, let’s get started with some questions.  First, do you have any for us?

Me: Actually, yes.  I just wanted to clarify something.  I was under the impression that this fill-in-blank internship could be done elsewhere.  For example, Bermuda/Ski Resort/My Actual Home?

Interviewer:  :: awkward silence::  Ahhhhh…I see.   Well, actually, no.  We’re only interested in people who are willing to move to The Somme in 1916/Gang-ridden Marijuana Farms/Not where you need to be living this summer.

Me: Ahhh…I see.

Interviewer: ::silence::

Me: ::silence::

Interviewer: Well!  Let’s start our 45 minute interview!

Taa daa!!

In other “I’m not getting that internship in this life or the next” news, Atticus is having his own job interview today.  Since they aren’t asking him to move to a Gulag, it’s going to go very well.  Go Atticus, go!

However, regardless of how many times I tell him that he’ll be shiny and great, he still gave me the “why are you leaving me when I’m about to die?” face when I said goodbye this morning.

It looked a lot like this

Melodramatic Atticus is going to be amazing today.  Mark my words, phone interview people.

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Filed under Funny Story, Matrimanity

Makeover 2011

This year I’m going to try really hard.  I mean it this time!  I’m dead serious.  Things are going to be different around here starting today.

Here is my Fabulous Plan:

1.  Cook French food.

2.  Figure out how to wear girl hats, and other hipster things.

3.  Have bangs.  ::nervous uncertain feelings about this?::

4. Stop biting nails.

5. Look like Audrey Hepburn.

6. Learn 4 European languages, including dead ones.

7. Figure out how to act like a grown up.

8. Figure out how to use more than a black rubber band to do my hair.

9. Run a half marathon

10. Start wearing deodorant.

I searched for “Fabulous Plan” on Google to see if they could come up with something better…

Apparently, google's "Fabulous Plan" is Senator Jeff Sessions. I win.

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Filed under Hobbies and Such

Yes! Finals!

The first time I tried to write a final exam, it was really really hard.  Way harder than I thought it ever would be.  Are the multiple choices too easy?  Too tricky?  Did I really lecture on that, or am I just remembering reading it somewhere?  Will they really be able to make that factual connection or am I expecting them to read my mind?

It took me 3+ hours to write it.

Then I realized, by my second final, that I was taking myself way, way too seriously.  I mean, finals are a serious thing to many (but not all) students, don’t get me wrong.  But I realized I wasn’t doing anyone a favor when I put off writing the finals until the last day because I was dreading them.  The students deserved a better and more considered test of their cumulative knowledge.

The solution?  Have fun writing it

So, I bring you question #32:

Jeremy Bentham was the father of ___________.

A.  Deontological Ethics

B.  Utilitarian Ethics

C.  Areteic Ethics

D.  Paris Hilton

I have similarly discovered the joy of writing instructions:

Short Answer (5 pts each):  Please limit your answer to charts, lists, or a few sentences.  Please no interpretive dance–but some drawing allowed.  Also, please don’t cheat on your ETHICS test because, I mean, how lame would that be?

 

P.S.  I just noticed that a year ago today I wrote an essay on the Ethics of Sex Ed in public schools–how apropos!  How cool that I didn’t even know I would be giving an Ethics final at the same time the very next year.

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Filed under Funny Story, Hobbies and Such